Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
Gravity SUCKS!!
Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...
Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.
When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.
Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.
Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't".
Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!".
Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.
Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
Start a hot dog stand.
Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.
Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your underpants that morning.
Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
Show off your Batman underwear.
Switch accents and see if anyone notices.
Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.
Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.
Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e".
Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.
Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face.
Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.
Snort when you laugh.
Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.
Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!".
With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?".
Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!".
Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
Pretend you're flying the plane.
Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.
Take over the plane with a toy gun.
Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).
To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.
